Fierce Fostering Confidential

If you have bio kids, you have them from birth. You control what they’re exposed to when you/your partner is pregnant. Expose them to positive influences, happy family members, vitamins, you name it. You have ZERO control on your foster childs exposure. Did they have good role models? Were they substance exposed in utero? No input, no ability to have steered the ship. Whether you take them home from the hospital or you meet well into their adolescence, your ability to mold them is in some, if not may ways, delayed if not outright non-existent.

4+ years, over 30 kids later, I still feel like I know nothing somedays…most days if I am being truly honest. Who are these humans who rely on me for daily affirmations, substances, and love? Who’s bright idea was it to let us shape and raise them, no matter how temporary that might be. How are we, a 35 and 39 year old couple, suddenly parents to two teenagers? I cannot stress enough that parenting these kids while a true joy, is also its own challenge and creates its own trauma as well.

Last week, one kid was suspended from school. My other kid is a varsity track star. Both freshmen at a local high school, and they could not be more different from one another. From their life experiences, to their trauma, to their high school careers thus far. How do you raise such different people to be their best selves and not have one of them feel ousted and ignored.

Innocence and teenage angst. Drugs and vaping everywhere. It’s a scary world for these kids without the additional trauma of being removed from their first families. Domestic violence, sexual abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, neglect…any or all of these can be a cause for removal. These kids now have to deal with the trauma that caused the removal and the trauma of being removed from their families. It’s been so important, I have found, to meet these kids where they are. If they are full of anxiety and aren’t able to articulate their needs, demanding they talk and express their needs isn’t going to get either of you what you’re looking for or bring your home any sense of harmony. It’s always been my take with teens that when they first arrive, either for the night or a longer term placement, that we go to Target, right to the ice cream section. Then we shop for things they might need, toiletries, clothes, something to comfort them just for one night. Will their ice cream be half melted by the time you leave? Yup. Will the kid be more likely to talk and engage by the time you leave? YUP. It’s not fool proof (again, WHERE is the parenting book??) but it certainly doesn’t hurt. Meet these kids where they are and some ice cream never hurt anyone.