Fierce Fostering Confidential

This is near and dear to my heart. As I have said before, I have teens and almost exclusively take in teens, especially for long term placements. Mental Health concerns are not exclusive to teens, but are more commonly associated with them compared to younger kids in care. I recently took a Youth Mental Health First Aider class, and even with my first hand experience, it was incredibly helpful. Some stats from that class will blow you away:

• Half of all anxiety disorders develop by age 6*
• Half of all ADHD & Behavioral Disorders show by 11*
• Half of all Mood Disorders show by 13*
• Half of all Substance Use Disorders show by 15*
• 50% of all mental disorders begin by age 14; 75% by age 24. Only 7.4% of all US Youth have mental health visits/evaluations a year.*
• Most importantly, these statics are not specific to kids effected by or who have entered care; these are for all children in the US.

Knowing this, what do you do now when you welcome a youth into your home and they are struggling with their mental health and/or mental illness? Queue feelings of being overwhelmed, a failure, inadequate, and possibly that you need to throw in the towel before things get worse. You are not alone. I love my daughter. So much, I have dropped the ‘foster’ in most settings when talking about her. I cannot tell you how many times since she came in the summer of 2023 I have felt like quitting, that I am not good enough for her, that I am doing her a disservice having her stay with us, and even gave notice once.

Okay, great, we’ve established that you’re not alone…so what? Well you’ll feel that way at times and honestly even other people who foster won’t always understand. The diagnosis’ my daughter has (I am not going to list them for her privacy) make me unique amongst my friends who foster, let alone those who don’t. They can sympathize but never empathize, at least not fully. In that sense we’re all alone on our islands, hopefully with our partners to keep us company from time to time if we have one. Sometimes I feel like we’re are on opposite sides of this mythical island though, screaming to each other only for the words to be carried away on the wind before what we’re saying reaches them. So how do you survive, dare I even say thrive, on this isolated island of 1, sometimes 2? You can send me your ideas to fiercefostering@gmail.com so I can learn… I’m just kidding! (remember that part where I said I am funny? This was it. Lower your standards if you’re not chucking.) I mean I am all ears (eyes?) if you do want to pass along your advice but I do have some ideas of my own that I can share with you that have helped me.

Therapy. Not just for your kids, or even family/in home therapy. Individual, one on one, therapy. I have the best therapist in the world. He is so amazing, he is credited on my about me section. I promise also he didn’t ask me to write that, and before you ask, you can’t have his number, I am selfish and don’t share. See? I need therapy, have to work on my people skills or something 🙂 All kidding aside, get someone you can talk to, even if it’s only once a month. I know waitlists are weeks if you’re lucky, months if not, so get on one now. It makes a world of difference to have someone impartial you can talk to, talk at, and if you’re lucky, laugh with sometimes.

Self care. It’s the thing to do, everyone is raving about it. I know it sounds trite but I really mean it. It doesn’t have to be this huge spa day where your partner or family takes the kids and you have to plan it months in advance, then pray no one gets sick, has a meltdown, or just ruins your ability to enjoy your time. Only have 5 minutes? Go take a shower and blast your favorite song, podcast or audiobook. Anything that gives you peace, is solely about you, is self care. Last week I had to bring one of my kids to orientation for their job. It was an hour away and I took myself to (a drive thru) dinner, then went by the water and read. In my car, windows down, enjoyed my book alone. It was amazing. Some of the best selfcare I have had in a while.

Therapy. (again? yes again) For your kid, and if you can or need it, in home therapy. It’s so great for them to have the same impartial setting to talk to someone, and IHT is great for help with communication and discussing issues. Wait lists for these are crazy as well but there are resources that can help. I just found out a few months ago that there are emergency referrals DCF and mobile crisis can put in to get services in place faster than the normal time lines. DCF specifically likes to keep this close to the vest as I was told they get a finite amount of spots for these, but if your kid is in need, ask! Mobile Crisis has been wonderful when I have utilized them in the past for getting services in place quickly, including CBAT/YCCS placements and partial hospitalization placements. 30 kids in 4 years, you leave to save crisis’ number and have it on speed dial.

Theraupeutic Mentors. They can be helpful depending on your kids age and needs. I have had a wonderful TM for one of my younger kids in the past, I had one for a teen and it was not a good experience for anyone. Like all things, not every mentor will be a good fit. Be an advocate for yourself and your kids if they’re not so that a new one can be assigned. These are tools for your family, if the tool isn’t working, try a different one.

IEP/504 Plans. Any kids who are school age (pre-k to grade 12) an IEP or 504 plan can also be hugely helpful. Testing for a younger kid (pre-k) I had a few years ago entilted them to speech therapy with our towns pre-school. They got services once a week and then when an opening was found, we were able to transition to a local rehab/outpatient facility. Another kid I had was an honor student, and they were put on an IEP to help with their executive functioning. It’s not just for kids who are in lower level classes, it can be incredibly helpful when it comes to test taking as well.

Read, Learn, Take Free Classes. If your kiddo has a specific diagnosis, let’s say ADHD as that’s pretty common. You can do some independent research online, order some books to read, and take free classes offered by MSPCC (specific to Massachusetts but there are probably others across the country!) or other agencies that can count towards the 20 hours of learning required a year. It’s pretty common knowledge that there are meds for ADHD, but there are also links to gluten, fidget toys can help, etc. Nothing wrong with taking meds, that’s something you as a family need to decide with their pediatrician/med provider. For those interested, there are additional options to try in addition to or instead of meds. The gluten free diet was actually recommeded to me by one of my kids pediatricians, she suggested we try that before adding in medication. I have had another kiddo who was older and their provider wanted them to try meds right away.

More than therapy/your home. Sometimes more that therapy or medication is needed for these kids to stabilize. There are places like CBATs, YCCSs, and inpatient/partial hospitalization programs. I have had kids come from some of these and have had some go to various while here. What I have learned is that if you have a kid who does have to go to one of these programs, you have not failed them. Mental health and illness is hard for youth, let alone adding in the trauma they experience with removal. Trauma can cause some of these MH issues or acerbate them. If you do have a kid who enters one of these programs, and you are able to do so, I highly recommend visiting them or becoming a visiting resource depending on how long they will be there and out of your home. This can’t always happen for various reasons, but it can really help them and your relationship with them if they are able to come back to your home afterwards.

Finally, Lower your Expectations. Not of your kids per say, but of yourself. Remember in the beginning how I wrote “Queue feelings of being overwhelmed, a failure, inadequate, and possibly that you need to throw in the towel before things get worse.” You are not a failure, you are not inadequate. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed, and sometimes you may not be the right fit for the kids needs, in the moment or ever. Sometimes, recognizing that is what they need from us, to get them the higher level of care that can help. That does not make you inadequate or a failure, it makes you a good person and parent for wanting the best for them, even if that isn’t you. So stop betting yourself up, give yourself some grace, and while you’re meeting these kids where they are, meet yourself where you are too.

*The statistics listed in the beginning were from the Mental Health First Aid training I completed earlier this year with the National Council for Mental Wellbeing.