Fierce Fostering Confidential

First families, also known as biological families, want their children to be happy and healthy. They want to know that the people who are caring for them love them and treat them like one of their own. It’s not always easy to sympathize or want to reach out with sympathy. Sometimes as a foster parent you just want to say no, these kids deserve the best, and that isn’t their families. I would be lying if I haven’t had that thought, but it’s important to remember they are human too. Sometimes you will hear stories that are just unfathomable, the thought of them returning to these parents who did so much damage physically or mentally is just unbelievable. It’s not easy, and I try to focus on helping these kids heal. Regardless, it is not our place to judge, and caring not only for these kids but also their first families can go a long way in the healing process. Below are some things I have done myself or have heard were successful from other foster parents.

Letters and Pictures
During our MAPP class, the training foster parents have to go through to become licensed, we had an amazing foster mom named Debra speak to us. She gave some great examples of things she had done for families of the children who lived with her. She would write up what they had done that week, or whatever time had passed from the previous visit, and would include a few photos as well. The worker would give it to the parent(s) at the visit and it would help them feel included in their children’s lives. It is most helpful for younger kids who may forget or need something to talk about during visits. I did this for our first placement (a week before the pandemic caused us all to quarantine), and it was something their mom and grandmother talked about for a long time afterwards. They said that it put them at ease to know that their child was loved and well taken care of. It cost me nothing aside from a little ink and a little time.

Photo Books
A great and inexpensive resource are the free picture books Shutterfly offers monthly. You do have to pay for shipping and if you have more than one child placed with you, only one will be free, but you can add pictures, details on the event/happenings, and the family will have a great momento so they won’t feel they have missed crucial parts of their kids life.

Digital Photo Albums
Google photos are also a great resource, this can be a little more tricky if you’re not tech savvy though. I will suggest here that you create a specific foster email/google account so that you can keep your privacy and not share your personal pictures or full name. With Google photos, you can set up albums with passwords to be shared with family members. No cost component and it is instantly shared without worrying it gets lost. If you choose to go this route, I would let your worker and the case worker know, in case there are any issues with sharing pictures with the family.

Social Media
Facebook pages and Instagram. I don’t personally feel comfortable using either as we are not allowed to post pictures of the kids we have in care on our personal pages for their privacy. If I do post anything, I will add emojis over their faces so that they cannot be identified by friends or family who may not know they are in foster care. Some foster families have created pages specifically for first families to be able to keep up with their kids activities. I think this is a good option for post guardianship or post adoption, where they have infrequent visits. If you wanted to do this while the case is still open, I would strongly recommend looping the workers and to get their approval in writing to cover yourself. It’s one of those, if it works for you and DCF/your agency is ok with it, go for it!

These are just a few ideas, things I have found opened a dialogue between myself, my kids, and their first families. From my experience, these kids are scared and miss their parents no matter how old they are, or what has caused them to enter care. The parents mostly feel awful and miss their kids. Reaching out in a way that keeps health boundaries while allowing them to know more of their children’s day to day, especially if they are too young or traumatized to articulate it themselves, will mean the world to everyone. If these kids end up being with you forever through adoption or guardianship, knowing that you cared enough about their first families will have a lasting impact on their view of you and relationship with you as well.