Fierce Fostering Confidential

Holidays! A time of joy and family gathering. Unless of course you are not with the only family you have known and you miss them. Bonus points if you just met the people you are staying with and are celebrating with their parents, aunts, and uncles. Not understanding inside jokes, missing your traditional foods, and feeling like an unwanted outsider. How do we support kids we may have just met the day before a holiday? We get some information about where these kids are coming from, what they have been through, and if we’re lucky, some details about their personality and any known behaviors. Sometimes the case is so new, things aren’t even known until they are in a foster home for a little while. This post is going to be about how we have handled things we have encountered with our kids, what has and has not worked for us.

Starting off with a win.
Thanksgiving 2023 we had two lovely sisters celebrate with us, their first holiday they had ever spent without their mom or dad. We were lucky enough that we were able to pick up another of our teens we had had over the summer for the day as well. We ended up taking two cars to fit all 5 kids with us to my aunts house. Five kids who just met within the last thirty minutes stuffed into two cars. Nothing can possibly go wrong right? The teens had spent some time together over the summer, but our bonus kid had never met the sisters. To say I was proud of the way that they were able to come together for each other and support each other is an understatement. This is an outlier in many ways and I think a large part of the success that day was the kids we had. The teens had been in care longer and knew what these younger kids were going through for the first time.

It was actually a really good day, there were not any really big feelings or behaviors from any of my kids. One took a nap on the couch, one walked my aunts dogs with the younger kids, then they all played games and enjoyed talking to everyone. My parents and extended family doted on the littles, made them the center of attention and really cared about their needs that day. It was an anomaly in the history of holidays and birthdays. I cannot remember another time when at least one of my kids didn’t have big feelings or behaviors around these days. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas have seen meltdowns days before and after, temper tantrums to screaming matches over inconsequential things that normally wouldn’t be a blip on the radar. What made such a difference that day? Part of it was the holiday. No presents were exchanged, no expected activities were planned, just food and family. We prepared them as much as we could, and a huge win for the girls was that they were able to stay together for the holiday. The teens were missing their siblings, but were able to appreciate that these girls being together was a win.

Big behaviors, big emotions.
How do we handle these high emotional days? Depending on our kids, we do different things for teens and littles. With the younger kids I ask them what they want for their birthday or Santa to bring them for Christmas. What did they do previously to celebrate? Did the elf play pranks and visit every December? What are they looking forward to doing that day? If they make cookies on Christmas Eve, then we are going to make cookies on Christmas Eve. Did they wake up to a room filled with balloons every year on their birthday? You got it, we will shower you with balloons. Favorite cake? We’ll buy it or make it. These little things can make a huge difference in these kids feeling that they are heard in your home. They have already lost so much, any traditions that can be continued should be. For our older kids, we do similar things, asking what they want, what traditions they have they want to continue. We also talk about making new ones together if they have something they want to try they haven’t before, or if they are open to doing one of ours. My favorite is our matching pajamas, this past year I made the shirts, usually I have bought them online. Get creative and have fun with it. A few years ago when all of our kids were until 10 we made salt dough hand and foot print ornaments for our families and theirs. My parents still have theirs out of display year round and the kiddos reunified 2 years ago. It is nice to see them when I visit, brings back wonderful memories.

The PJ shirts I made and my cute husband.

What if they don’t celebrate the same holiday?
There was a debate this past December in one of the fostering groups I am in. A foster parent stated that they had an elementary school aged child who believed in Santa and grew up with a tree every year. This foster parent said that they were not going to be decorating and would not be having Santa visit. A lot of people had opinions on this, mostly that they were wrong. I understand that following traditions you have never celebrated can be uncomfortable, but this truly comes back to putting these kids first. We don’t celebrate Hanukkah, but if I had a kid who grew up celebrating, you best believe I would have a menorah, dreidel, and latkes for them. I know that there are some religions that prohibit celebrating any holidays or birthdays like Jehovah Witnesses, and I do respect that in those instances that this is more than just a holiday for them. There has to be some compromise for these kids though where they are not loosing out on something they treasure. Maybe that means that the kiddo goes to a different home permanently. Maybe they go to respite care for the holiday. It really depends on how long they have lived with you and how bonded you are. Something that I often come back to is that as parents, it is no longer about us. Fostering makes these things even less about us and our needs.

How can we make it easier on our kids?
There are some things I do around the holidays to try and ease the pain of being away from their families. One thing I have found very important is to ask if they want to make or buy a present or card for their parents and siblings (especially if they are in a different foster home which is often the case.) I never push it, it is never a requirement, and most kids want to do something for their parent(s) already. I have found more often than not this it is something they are very enthusiastic about and appreciate the effort we put into it. It is so important to recognize their family’s big milestones as well as our own. That means Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, birthdays, and religious holidays. If they do say they don’t want to give a gift or card, I will usually have something small on hand in case they change their mind last minute. A perfect example of this was one of my teens didn’t want to get their parents anything for Christmas. I had some generic blank cards and had framed their school picture for their family in case they changed their mind. On the day of the visit before the holiday, they again refused to bring the gift with them. I gave them a hug, told them I loved them, and handed everything to their worker. She said she would give it to the parents if it was okay with my kiddo, who shrugged, blared music in their ears, and slammed the car door. I just smiled to the worker and thought to myself that this was off to a great start.

Two hours later, they came home with a bag full of goodies they loved. It was a really nice gift, one that had my teen in emotional turmoil later that night. “Mummy,” they texted me, “I feel so bad. They spent all this money on me and I couldn’t even hand them the picture. My worker did.” I had to think for a minute on how best to respond. I told you so wasn’t appropriate, though God knows I wanted to say just that. If I’m being really honest, I might have even written it out before deleting it. I finally decided on saying that it’s okay to feel upset, but I didn’t think that my kiddo had done anything wrong. (There is a lot of trauma I will not go into here, so just take my word for it. They really didn’t do anything wrong and this isn’t some kid who didn’t want to share at a friends birthday party.) I went on to say that I was glad their parents made them happy, but that one positive doesn’t irradicate a list of negatives, that their feelings were valid.

Fast forward a few days, and it’s Christmas Eve. We went to our in-laws in our matching PJs an hour and a half away. We got there, stage 5 clinger mentality ensued, but overall we had a great time. We got home and I made the mistake of asking them to move their earbuds so we could take a selfie in front of our tree. Huge mistake. Suddenly it was yelling and anger, how we expect perfection, that nothing is ever good enough. Things escalated from there to the point where I said we needed to call hotline. It was not my finest moment. We all calmed down and talked, tears were shed, hugs were begrudgingly given. The next morning we opened presents, we were all thrilled, and we went to my parents house. The teens hung out with us old and older folks, and we went home happy.

This is just 1 holiday over 24 hours or so. My teen missed their siblings, I missed my first kiddo who had been with us for the last three Christmases. We were both hurting in our own ways, and trying to get through. I wish I had done things differently, who cares if the headphones are in the picture. I could have just let it be. Hindsight is 20/20 right. I knew right away this wasn’t about me or my husband. It was misplaced anger and their trauma. Once they realized it, they deflated and we cried together. It that was the final/worst one, I would only be so lucky. (It wasn’t, Mother’s Day was fun.)

Best tips to prepare yourself and them.
Talk about it before hand in a way they can understand. Maybe you have little bio kids you have already had similar conversations with regarding birthdays before. If you are celebrating a friend or another kids special day, tell them or remind them that they won’t get a present as it’s someone else’s day, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean they aren’t special as well. It really helps if you set the expectation in advance. It is also important to give them a way to escape the action. Give them a way to signal to you they need space to let out energy, or that they need a quiet minute away from the action. For my house that can be my kid linking arms or sitting so close they might as well be on my lap. I know that those are signs they need a minute away to relax. Look for signals to be able to redirect them before a big meltdown happens. If you miss something or it catches you off guard, have a backup plan in mind to give them the space and tools they need to regulate themselves.

Fidget toys, coloring books, noise canceling head phones, whatever you need and works for your kid. My biggest win in life has been to stop apologizing for how my kids react and to not care what people think. That’s not to say if my kid hits someone else’s I say oh well and walk away. I am talking about the need to leave early because they have had enough, taking a walk around the building in the middle of the party so they can regulate themselves, or sometimes even having to cancel because we are all exhausted. For my older kids it’s usually as simple as them having their phones and earbuds so they can tune out the world if they need to.

When we are going to any function as a family, I make sure to tell them how long it will take us to get there, how long we plan on staying, and if there will be family or others we know. Setting these expectations for them helps them to relax and generally prevents the constant asking of when are we leaving. Sometimes it just means they wait to ask until it’s close to the time I originally said, but I take the little wins where I can.

It’s so important to me that I plan for some me time either before or after. That’s my favorite form of self care, I am an introvert at heart. I don’t ask for much, a quiet space to read for a little while is perfect. Selfcare is such a buzz word, but it doesn’t have to be this long drawn out plan to be good for you. Whatever you love, that you can do for yourself, works. If it recharges your batteries, that’s all that matters. I know some friends who actually need to be with people to recharge, and what I have found is there is no wrong answer. Find what works for you and make it a priority around times you know will be especially trying.

If you take away anything, let it be this.
Regardless of what is going on, whether you are celebrating Thanksgiving, or one of the more exciting days like a birthday, feelings can be huge. Behaviors might rear up the day of, the day before, or the day after. Have a plan, be empathetic, talk about it in advance. Then hold on tight if they do have big behaviors, loving them through it all.